On a Recent Survey Suggesting that a Third of the Female Students at Cornell Have Been the Victims of Sexual Assault (the Statistics Likely Having Been Buttressed by an Widened Definition of the Term and a Crapload of Social Contagion)

  So the likelihood of being sexually accosted at Cornell University in upstate New York is greater than it is in locations like Botswana and Panama (neither of which draw comparisons to Greenwich, Connecticut, Pacific Palisades, or the Hamptons...... but I digress). 

   And what type of parents would let their daughter go to a school where she'd have a one in three chance of either getting raped, assaulted, or molested? That makes no sense at all. Of course, if the parents deep down know that the whole thing is bullshit and desperately want that Cornell diploma on the dining room wall (trust me, young Missy will probably be living with the folks for at least a half decade), they just might end up pulling a Sargeant Schultz for the next four years. Maybe longer.